Procrastinators Exist! And Other Finals Week Life Lessons

I don't know why, but this week I somehow managed to convince myself that I was the only one in my feature writing class to procrastinate our final article. This, among other things, led to all sorts of self-doubt about my abilities as a writer.

{This is just about how I get at the end of every finals week}

And so I thought "What if I really am a rubbish writer and that feeling wasn't just burnout from last semester? What if I never get published again? What if my novels or other books never sell? What if I end up a total failure with no job, no life, no nothing?"

Then I realized several things:

Finals Week is NOT the time to make a decision about your future, fate or destiny. You're tired, so far beyond done with everything, and under a lot of pressure to keep chugging on despite that. Wait a good week after it's all over to ask yourself the probing, deep, soul-searching questions. Down time during spring and summer is a marvelous opportunity for contemplation and healing.

 I am not the only one in my class to have procrastinated the article. My lovely friend Alex works in the post office of the BYU Bookstore, so Hailey and I met here when we posted a letter to our friend Elder Tay in Fiji. It was then that I learned she hadn't even started the article, when I actually have my lead and first section figured out. Apparently everyone in class is just better at faking confidence and preparedness than me--those closest to me do say I have a dreadful poker face. There is nothing shameful in procrastinating; nobody actively tries to procrastinate, because we'd all like to have the thing over and done with so we don't have to worry about it anymore. Sometimes, we all succumb to Action Anxiety in which we fear to do something and so we avoid it. 90% of the times I have procrastinated in my life, this is why. And that's ok, because I always get it done in the end.

I am not a rubbish writer. Stuff is coming together, I am simply burned out.

 And that's ok. Because even though it isn't the monstrosity Fall was, it wore me out. I have a lot to deal with and I am doing my best. As we would have said in German, back when I still took German, alles gute. 

Even if I were to wake up one morning and suddenly hate writing, I'd find something else to do. That's the great thing about being unpicky and eclectic--we like almost everything under the sun. And I really need to stop freaking out about the fact that my patriarchal blessing--and my inner circle--keeps bringing up the idea of me teaching. If teaching is in store for me--which, to be honest, I think I'd be the most rubbish teacher--then the Lord will put the opportunity in my path and I'll know it when it comes along. That's the great thing about putting our lives in the Lord's hands: he'll take care of things as long as we're righteous. So we really don't have to worry about it. 

I am going to have a nice, warm vacation, where I can reconnect with myself and get back to worrying about what's most important for me. It will be a time of self-care, rediscovery, and healing.

Mr. VanEerden, or Mr. V,  my sixth-grade teacher, used to end his rather useful tangents in class by calling them "Life Lessons." So, anytime my experiences produce random profundities, I think of them as "Life Lessons" in his honor.

 So, I won't be doing much on here in the next few days--my trend article and the other thousand things for me to do over the next few days take priority--but I hope to post lots of new content from the airport and Las Vegas!

Picked My New Year's Resolutions

I know, I know--this is super-late. But at the start of the new year, I wasn't properly aware of what I wanted for this year. 2012 kind of snuck up on me.

I think I have a better idea of it now, though, at least enough that I feel comfortable enough to pick them, write them, and share them.

1. Re-boot my self confidence: I don't know entirely why, but my self-image and confidence took a real beating last semester. It's never been horrid, but it's never been immaculate either. So, I'm going to take all the steps I know, and I actually decided today to go see the people at women's services. I was just reading an article online, and I just decided, with no previous idea to do so, to go talk to someone there. My appointment is for later today. In the meantime, I'll put up pictures of women who inspire me, and a picture of myself, in a collage on my wall above my makeup station. That way, I will start to picture myself as on their level.

Here are some possible candidates for my inspiration wall:

Emmy Rossum

She is my favorite Christine Daae, always will be. She's a great actress, a phenomenal singer, and her smile just radiates. 

Alex Kingston

The immortal River Song. She is so hardcore as River, she DIVORCED Voldemort (technically Ralph Fiennes before he played the Dark Lord, but still). Beautiful, sassy, and she keeps her curly hair. FINALLY someone who has shown me I can be freaking gorgeous with my own natural curls.

Natalie Portman

She's freaking smart! She has double US-Israeli citizenship, a BA in Psychology from Harvard--famously saying she'd much rather be smart than famous--and she sticks up for what she believes. While she was at Harvard, she wrote a letter to the editor in response to an article about the conflict between Palestine and Israel. Here is my favorite part:

Israelis and Arabs are historically cousins. Until we accept the fact that we are constituents of the same family, we will blunder in believing that a loss for one “side”—or, as Chaudhry names it, a “color”—is not a loss for all human kind.

Outrageous and untrue finger-pointing is a childish tactic that disregards the responsibility of all parties involved, including Europe, the Arab nations and the United States, along with Israel and the Palestinian Authority.

We must be ashamed of every act of violence and mourn every child as if they were our own. I pray for the safety of all those in the region and hope that we may someday use our unique human assets of language and empathy rather than military technology or propaganda to resolve this conflict.

Not only is she open-minded and fair, she's eloquent. And that picture was taken while she was pregnant, accepting her Best Actress Oscar for Black Swan.

Anne Hathaway

Because the only difference in our complexions is (1) I have freckles, and (2) eye color, I've always looked to her for style inspiration. I saw her wearing grey eye shadow in Get Smart and copied that look for my own grey look. But that's not the only reason. I forget his name, but she was dating this Italian real-estate developer who was involved in some shady stuff and went to prison. Like me, she's misjudged people. But she is still beautiful and successful, moving on and having a great life. Also, can I just say that I called her being cast as Catwoman/Selina Kyle back when The Dark Knight first came out?

Idina Menzel

An amazing actress with a fantastic voice, and I'm told I look like her. She followed her dreams and it worked, which is a good reminder for me. She's strong and unafraid, and nobody messes with her. Plus, I think her little boy that she had with Taye Diggs is adorable.

2. Write more of my own stuff to take a break from school: I hardly wrote anything during fall semester and it left me rather drained. I noticed, however, that I'm happier when I write regularly and this year is about making things better, happier, for myself and my friends.

I'm working on a cookbook, some novels, and catching up my journal. And of course I'll be blogging more often now.

3. Get in shape: there are actually multiple reasons for this one.

Yes, I am a freaking gorgeous individual. But I could stand to be slimmer and more svelte, the better to highlight my assets. 

Not to mention that I would like to be healthy, and besides the whole metabolism thing, I read a lot of history. 

Like me, Teddy Roosevelt had asthma. But he cured himself by spending time building up his lungs. He spent months running cross-country to strengthen them, kind of like training his lungs to bench-press more air. I'm not saying I know it will work for me.

4. Remember who I am.

Yes, this is about getting back to who I really am. On the one hand, I refuse to squelch myself to please anyone ever again. 

But, this is also getting back to my divine roots. I'm going to read the entire Book of Mormon by July, and get more in touch with my divine nature. More service, more Temple time, more of anything I can do to grow closer to my Heavenly father

5. Read more:

What happens when a bookworm makes friends with other bookworms? Her recommended reading list gets longer and longer. So my goal for this summer is to read at least half the books on that list and become more well-read.

I don't really have a long list. Maybe it will be longer next year.