I just now realized why I haven't blogged since the first of the year, other than the fact that I now come home from work tired every day.
Tomorrow I actually go through the first part of that ritualistic act of graduation. Technically, I had already done this, but tomorrow I go through the rituals our society has long said signify this part of my life. Tomorrow I go through that actual, ceremonial thing that shows the world that I have given what amounts to around 4 years of my life to becoming educated.
Tomorrow I start a two-part dance in a robe that screams "I am educated!"
I can't sleep. This isn't good, because I have to get up early to curl my hair and return some library books (which I should also finish reading).
I've no idea why the idea of going through this ritual frightens me. I've passed milestones and been unsure of my exact future before (hello, last summer in Sanpete County much?). But underneath the professional blogger at work I have been holding in a storm of nerves and panic for something close to two weeks.
Now that I have been for free pie with Jess and taken a hot bath and seen the newest episode of Castle, I feel more equipped to dissect, unpack, and deal with my feelings.
I am scared of graduating because I am graduating early, and did not have time to do all I expected to by the time came for these ceremonies. I never hiked the Y (maybe someday when I am fit), I never pulled an all-nighter (not even sorry), and other things I had hoped to do before this age-old ritual where I simply shift a tassel to symbolize years of work.
But, there are two things I keep reminding myself of.
The first was advice given me by a dear friend when I was initially freaking out about actually completing my educating. He wisely pointed out that I do not have to stop learning just my formal education is (temporarily at least) complete. He also reminded me that now I can set my own curriculum.
I'm reminded of this every day, like when a little German comes back to me as I sprech the Deutsch with Jess and her family, or when I excuse my wibbly-wobbly self-control at Barnes & Noble. The fact that I can decide what to learn on a daily basis is surprisingly comforting.
So thanks for that. You know who you are, bless you for saying that!
The second is when I remind myself of all the things I have accomplished:
- I got through a bachelor's degree in 2.5 years of college
- I up and moved to a foreign county (yes, just county) and successfully held a real internship covering real (somewhat dangerous) news stories and writing interesting feature stories
- I am starting to learn photoshop
- I discovered just how much of a nerd I truly am, and how okay and fantastic that is
- I learned, as Sethe did in Toni Morrison's Beloved, that in the end I have to remember that I need to be my best thing
- I learned a lot about forgiveness and standing up for myself
- I got a real, "adult" paying job I can use to support myself
- I broadened my own mindset and horizons
- I learned how to listen--effectively, how to learn
- I learned that I am a capable, independent young woman
- I learned that even a capable, independent woman can call her parents in the middle of being scared or upset, be reassured by them, and retain her capability
- I learned a lot about who I am as a person, and that I am many things, including strong and fallible
- I learned that bullet-point lists can only contain so much of what you learn in 2.5 years. My journal will be getting more of this later, and so will y'all. And when I say later, I mean when I've moved out of Provo and got settled in my interim moving space.
In the meantime, let me leave you with this illustration I got from a Cabin Pressure Head Canons blog on tumblr. I took their words and put it on Martin Crieff to remind myself what really matters.
Time to turn in. My parents are coming tomorrow, I need my beauty sleep.
Ta.
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